Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
