I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
