The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
