upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
