I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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