I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize