First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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