chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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