I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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