He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
