"it" just moved
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
