i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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