All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
