worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
