i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
