I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
