the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
