i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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