apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
