I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize