I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
