I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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