The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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