I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
