i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
