I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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