I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
