im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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