There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
