seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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