He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
