Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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