i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
