Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
