my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
