I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
