My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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