it wasn't lemon gatorade
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
