I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The air taste purple.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
