Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
