woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
