We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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