I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
