his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize