you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
