i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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