My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
