We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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