sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
