I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
