Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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