when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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