She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
