my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
