I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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