I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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