the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Someone shattered a urinal.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
