yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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