I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
