My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
