Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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