he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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