you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
