My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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