Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize