Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
