whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just had sex bonerless
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
