The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
